15-07-09

Life, Bluff, Courage

Life is funny. It deals you cards. Good ones and bad ones. Then you have to play. And bluff...don't forget to bluff once in a while.

But bluffing is easier said than done. Especially if you don't have a poker face, like me...Onbeslist. Lately, however, the bluffing becomes much easier...one learns eventually. Sometimes it's actually fun. 

Life is also funny in the way it can throw a veil over things, people , happenings. That veil makes us believe that what we are fighting/living for is the right thing. It throws shadows on our emotions, on our rationalizing, on our whole existance. It can actually make you think you are free, happy, enjoying your life, whatever...But in actual fact you are not free, not happy, not enjoying...and you don't even realize it on a conscious level. Subconsiously all the info is there, only we forget to link up with our uncounsciousness most of the times, and continue believing in the falsenes we are living day to day. Only when we are ready to tear away thet veil, can we really be free, happy, enjoying..then we can become conscious.

I have tasted this freedom for over a year now. I am in the process of personal acceptance, personal forgiveness and each day I feel surer, happier, more and more ME. It is a wonderful process, although it started out with very painful situations, tearing me up inside. Now I realize that it had to be that way. Without going through all the hurt, I would certainly not have become the person I have become/am becoming-- it is a non-stop process, I keep on learning everyday. 

It is incomprehensible to me that some people very consciously choose NOT to grow. They are so comfortable with the veil that they make excuses in order to not accept the gift that is there for them to grasp, if only they had the courage to reach beyond. I feel sorry for those people, because they miss out on so much good, so much beauty, somuch inner peace. And I think in the end that is the reason we are here. To be courageous, to unveil the hiddden gifts that life has in store for us.

 

14-07-09

Mind Wandering

It has been a while since I last posted something. There is a reason for that.

On one hand, my llife has become easier. This is because I have made it easier for myself, by keeping well away from certain peole, not fretting too much, and taking it one day at a time.

On the other hand it has gotten considerably more difficult, as my father turned out to be a perfect way of revenge onto me by my ex. He has been suing all my father's companies, thus deteriorating my father's health seriously. My father's mental health was far from 100%, but the incredible thing was that on the day of the first court hearing, he just stopped. Stopped eating, drinking, thinking, walking, living....we took a catatonic person to court, whilst my ex sat here with his hand in front of his face as not to witness this complete destruction of the man that gave him all opportuities, the father of his wife of 21 years, the grandfather of his sons. Some people have NO conscious.

As for me, I have stepped into the problem solving of my father's mess, and the complete and organized attack on my ex who has been robbing me of a fortune. The people that think they are smarter then other people often give the ones who are patient, bide their time, and collect all trump cards given to them, all proof in hands, and thus dig their own grave.

That moment has come. Now that our house has been sold, the big blackmailing item on his list has fell away, thus making it impossible for him to continue controlling me. And me, who has been silent for a year, saw what was happening and what he was doing, but was tied at hands and feet, and now I could finally step in and made use of all the information I had gathered during that long and frustrating waiting period.

So in the mean while, the first win in court is in with regards to the company. He was/is not amused. And immediately the blackmailing, the frightening game started again. This time however with no result whatsoever. The time of me being blackmailed and openly abused is long gone. So he threatens, so he shouts, so he is out of his mind and seeking other ways of control...Who cares? Not me... And this is only the start of what might be a long series of cases against him. This is what happens when you think yourself superior and are so bold in making serious mistakes that you give the oher party all in hands. So actually I have to thank him for being him.....

Furthermore, everyday new info comes out of the dense bushes. I have no idea how I have been so blnd. Have no idea how he managed to hide so many things from me. It's my biggest battle at the moment...forgiving myself for being so blind all these years. A battle I eventually will also win, as I have proved to myself I am quite resilient, strong and accepting of myself--to the contrary of the pathetic woman I used to be.

In spite of all these hurdles I still need to take, the obstacles I still need to clear, the unresolved interior issues I still have to solve, there is a certain peace deep inside of me. I am happy with who I am. I am accepting my failures ( slowly but surely). I no longer have the need to justify myself towards other people. Either they take me as I am or they leave it.

There are few certainties in life, but one of the for me is that I will NEVER again transform myself into a person I am not, just to please someone else. I will not live that lie again. For that lesson alone I am grateful.

12:47 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (2) |  Facebook |