28-03-09

Thoughts

Liefde moet zijn als een boom, met z'n wortels diep in de aarde, maar met z'n takken uitgestrekt naar de hemel.
Bertrand Russel

 

Love should be like a tree, with its roots deeply into the earth, but with its branches stretchting out to the sky.
Bertrand Russel

16:08 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

25-03-09

The Warrior of Light - 2

 

t278708

 

The Warrior of Light contemplates the two pillars next to the door he is about to open.

One pillar is called Fear, the other one Desire. The Warrior looks at the pillar of Fear, where the following is written: " You will enter into an unknown and dangerous world, where everything you have learned up until now will no longer serve you."

The Warrior then looks at the pillar of Desire, where it is written: " You will enter a world that is known to you, where all things you ever wanted and for which you fought so hard are guarded."

 

The Warrior smiles -- because there is nothing that scares him and nothing that holds him back. With the self-assuredness of someone who knows what he wants to know, he opens the door.

 

Excerpt from "The Manual of the Warrior of Light" by Paulo Coelho

16:58 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

24-03-09

The Warrior of Light

The Warrior of Light, without intention, makes a false move and dives into the abyss.

The ghosts scare him, the solitude torments him. As he was looking for the Good Combat, he did not think that this could happen to him. But it did happen.  Surrounded by darkness, he speaks with his Master.

" Master, I fell into he abyss", he says. " The waters are deep and dark."

"Remember one thing", the Master responds. " What drowns a person is not the diving, but he fact that he remains under water."

 

So the Warrior of Light uses all his strenght to get out of the situation in which he finds himself.

 

t278267

From " The Manual of the Warrior of Light" by Paulo Coelho

19:33 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

18-03-09

Something to Think About

Je ergste vijand kan je niet zoveel kwaad doen als je eigen gedachten. Maar eenmaal beteugeld kan niemand je zozeer helpen.


Uit de Dhammapada

 

 

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts can. But once controlled, no one can help you as much.


Uit de Dhammapada

21:48 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

14-03-09

Something to Think About

t268083

 

Het hart doet moeiteloos en in enkele tellen waar het hoofd soms jaren voor nodig heeft.
Sri Kishna Menon

 

 

The heart sometimes does without any affort and in a few seconds what the head needs years for doing.
Sri Kishna Menon

 

12:33 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

13-03-09

The 4 Tolteque Principles

Wees onberispelijk in je woorden. Vat niets persoonlijk op. Ga niet uit van veronderstellingen. Doe altijd je best.
De 4 inzichten van de Tolteken - 900-1100 na Chr

 

 

Be impeccable in your speech. Do not take things personally. Do not make assumptions. Always do your best.
The 4 Tolteque Principles - 900-1100 AD

 

Note : This are the principles I was thaught in my Life Coaching sessions. They are hanging on every mirror, on my fridge, on my cupboards, in my car, so as to always have them in mind. And my God, DO THEY WORK!!!!!!

 

t276342

 

10:05 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (2) |  Facebook |

12-03-09

Architect

" Now if those aspirations bother you

Well you are just you,you don't have a clue

I'm sticking to the plan, I will see it through

Let there be no confusion

Cause I'm the Architect"

t275922

By dEUS - Excerpt from the song " The Architect" - Album "Vantage Point"

11-03-09

Granddad

t275607


From all the men in my life, I can clearly state that my granddad was my favorite ( except for my sons, but that is different relationship). He was my mother’s father and had a farm. Every Sunday we ventured out to the country and freedom was at the touch of my fingertips.

 

Nice Sunday clothes were switched for old “play clothes”, and for that one day I was allowed to get dirty and gritty to the bone.

Afterwards Vim –they had no Cif at the time—was needed to scrub me clean.

 

But I always had a blast of a time. I was mostly left to my own devices in the mornings, playing with the dogs and cats, taking the Belgian shepherd for a walk, checking out he rabbits and their babies. Annoying the cows and the sheep, and spending a lot of time with the horse Oliva, my favorite.

 

My imagination also ran wild when at the farm. You remember the TV series Daktari? About the Safari doctor with the cross-eyed lion Clarence and the chimpanzee Judy? Well that was one of my games I played. And then there was Black Beauty, the bike that my granddad made for me from old bike parts, serving as my beautiful black horse coming to the rescue—don’t ask what I was rescuing--J

 

After playing these games and a good lunch ( being on a farm makes you very hungry), my granddad would clean up, and then we would both jump on our bikes and off we went into the wide world. Long bike trips we used to make, with his favorite stopovers ( read small town café’s) , me getting a coke, lemonade or an ice cream, he drinking his ice cold beers.

 

Sunday was the highlight of my week. Especially in summer, when days were longer and hotter, which always meant more playtime, and longer bike rides. And more dirt to get rid of J.

 

My granddad always had a young man’s spirit, up until the day when he fell during the night and was only found early in the morning by my uncle bringing him breakfast, completely ice cold and suffering from a stroke. He never got well again and a few months later he passed away. He simply gave up. He was not the person to be put in an old people’s home. As soon as he knew he was never going home again, it was good for him. He knew he’d had a good long life, most of in it  in good health. So he silently let go and went to his final sleep.

 

I wish I could go back once more to those summer days when  the two of us together were on one of our rides, enjoying the silence and the hard work when going uphill, him often pushing me along.  And then coming home and having a late night snack of home made French fries with eggs. How enjoyed that simple life, how I admired that simple man, who enjoyed being alive and surrounded by his kids and grandkids. I still miss him. It will be nine years since he passed away on father’s day. I love you Granddad!

 

19:21 Gepost door Crisje in Good Old Times | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

10-03-09

Kids and Me

t275609


Since I live with my youngest son Stofke, I have developed a completely different relationship with him. Whereas, when we were still a complete family, Stofke would always be on his own in his room, playing pc games or Playstation , there is now a closeness, that I only had with him when he was a baby , a toddler.

 

Sefke was always more a fathers’ boy, while Stofke would scream and shout if he saw me and then hang around my neck for the rest of the evening.

 

As he grew older that of course stopped, and due to my busy schedule I had less time for my boys and the distance between him and me grew, more so than between Sefke and me, although we used to fight a lot, especially over homework J.

 

Now I feel Stofke in a way is happier and more outgoing than when my ex and me were together. He has become much more sociable and we have a real good time together. We laugh like idiots with TV programs, Will and Grace being our favourite at the moment. We share jokes, only the two of us understand. There is an intimacy there that I cherish so much and hope to be able to cherish for a long time to come. And we are open and honest with each other. I tell him everything (not about his father.. I have to keep away from that, although I do admit of slipping up sometimes –I see to it that I apologize at those instances)

 

I feel sad that I cannot have this with Sefke, who is quite rebellious against me at times. I understand him though. I feel he is confused, hurt, and he feels obliged to “take sides”, something he shouldn’t have to do. It is out of my hands for the moment, and I cannot force him , but would like to explain to him why I couldn’t live with is father anymore, so he knows my story. He only gets fed the “other” story, which I find very frustrating, but that’s how it is, and I have to accept it in a way….for now…

 

My heart feels for him and wants to hug him and tell him it’s OK, but he won’t let me. I will have to bide my time. He’ll come around. Of that I’m sure. As it stands now, there is already progress, so I pray this progress will continue. Of both our sides.

 

20:58 Gepost door Crisje in Family Matters | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Simple Help.

10171_S

 

On a positive note today!

 

I have not lost the ability to love. Please don’t be fooled by my former posts!! On the contrary, I think I now really found the ability to love. Why? Because I finally learned to love myself.  The first step to honestly loving other people.

 

I feel great in my “new” life. The fear of being single has completely vanished. I actually enjoy it immensely. I have good friends that know who I really am and take me as I am, with the good and the bad.

 

The negative voice of my ex, saying that people were only friends to take advantage of me ( he especially meant men, of course) is gone. He is SOOOO wrong. I found out that there are honest, nice, reliable people out there. People who reach out a helping hand, give a soft spoken word of encouragement, send a mail or sms just to let you know that they are there if you need them. And quite often that’s just about what I need. Enough to keep me going another day.

 

I know I still have a hard battle ahead. The words I heard yesterday are proof of that. I was informed that “he would not divorce me, because then he had to pay me alimony”. Well, I have to say that I wasn’t surprised to hear that. If it would be the other way round, rest assured he would do everything in his power to get all the money he could get.  It shows me yet again the low life he is and the value he treasures. But I also assure you that that remark made me laugh. Just because it did not surprise me or hurt me one bit.

 

Every day we are dealt cards. For a long time, I got the wrong cards in hand. But lately all the cards I am being dealt daily are so good. It’s amazing what you find out when you are NOT looking to find out.

 

I feel protected by my guardian angel and my guide. I know all the cards will fall into place eventually. The timing will be right when I set out to do what I have to do, what I am forced to do. And that’s why collecting my strength and tend to it as if it were a delicate plant, is now my first priority.

 

14:49 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

21 Years Down the Drain.

t31051

 

There are no words to describe how I feel.

I feel a complete idiot. I have actually lost 21 years of my life. I have been used by my husband and his family. And I apparently only found out now. I am angry with myself for being as blind as a bat.

I have to get rid of this anger, because it’s not healthy. Only not today.

Today I will have to blow off steam. The realization of being so STUPID is infuriating.

 

I still cannot believe the audacity, the disrespect, the 180º turning of the truth that some people manage to have or do. It is incomprehensible to me, as I am what you could call a “trusting soul”.

 

That trust, that acceptance of people, that particular trait, which so much defines my personality, I will never give that up, even though I have been backstabbed in a real big way. But I refuse to let that turn me into a bitter, resentful person, although at the moment the steam is still coming out of my ears and nostrils. Perhaps just as good. Let it out. Kick against a wall. Perhaps break a plate or two…At least the darkness gets out that way and does not pollute me.

 

As you probably noticed I have a new name for the house. The house, which I dreamed up and lovingly chose materials for and decorated for it to be a home for my family, I call it the Devil’s Mansion now. The bad energy that emanates from that place is horrifying. I feel nauseated whenever I enter it, to the point of vomiting. My soul, my spirit, my energy are completely gone. It is a ghost house. No soul. But it is not the house, that will always be special and have a good feel, it is the persons that are in it, that pollute this beautiful place with their hatred and negativity.

 

After everybody has left, I will go there and cleanse it ritually as to get rid of those bad energies. I would not want the new inhabitant to suffer from that sort of menacing feeling.

 

Perhaps you think I lost it now, when I’m talking about energies and cleansing rituals, but I do assure you I am not kidding. I always believed there is more between heaven and earth, than we can see. And lately I have become much more open to capturing these energies, which at times can be very scary.

 

Funnily enough I often dream about a certain person and that day he or she will contact me, or I will learn something about them, or I find out something I didn’t know.

Being open was a bit frightening at first,  now it comes almost naturally. I would like to go even further, become even more receptive. I would like to use this “gift” to help myself grow, and therefore help other people grow and see the light through their struggles.

 

If there is one thing I have learned for sure, it is that there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you remain positive and have faith. There were times during these past two years that I thought of giving up, because I was so down, so utterly exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I actually thought I would never get “there”. I have come a long way since then, and I do know now that I have so much more strength in me then I could ever have imagined. I am proud to say I am nearly there, not completely, but nearly. And even if I’m not, I will NEVER give up fighting, even if it means letting go.

But any obstacle put on my way, will now be easily overcome. Because I have faith. Because I trust. In a higher Energy, in myself, in my real friends.

 

09:22 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (3) |  Facebook |

06-03-09

Down to Earth

After my post of yesterday, you would think I would be very upset.

Well for just about 4 minutes I was, tears at the ready. But then the realisation hit me as well as the idiocity of the whole scene that played itself out. I actually started laughing, at first I admit it was a nervous laugh, but soon I started to see the real stupidity which made me laugh harder, more sincerely and especially...it was a REAL LAUGH.

I stopped to think about it, and I came to the conclusion that once again I have made a big step forwards, making the distance between me and my disasterous marriage and its players a lot bigger.

Once again I made a growing spurt, one that really surprised me. Instead of mulling events around and around, I came home, and wrote about it. I also wrote an email to my ex, copy to ex-father-in-law, spitting out everything that I had held in for 21 years.

It was a cleansing experience. Thoughts sprouting out of my head, the mail becoming longer and longer. Today I "polished" the whole epistel, and after sleeping on it, it will be send tomorrow for sure. I had ENOUGH. And they will know it.

The positive note is that I really enjoyed their demonstration of frustration in such a way. I know they cannot fathom me anymore, and that scares them. How to handle this strange new woman? How to continue to manipulate this person of whom we do not exactly know what makes her afraid, what makes her upset, angry, tick? Indeed, how do you do that?

I feel sorry for them. For the fact that they need this power to be able to feel like a person. That they cannot see that they do not need that power to be a person. That their shotsightedness makes their life miserable and thus also other people's lives that become involved with them.

I hope that I don't have to write a lot about it anymore and I am sorry if I bore you, become repetitious or annoying. It is therapy for me, it lightens my heart by putting it down here.

I promise that the next few days I will try to post some lighter items, as I also could do with some of those!

 

 

 

00:12 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (2) |  Facebook |

04-03-09

Hypocrisie, Narcissism and Megalomaniacs

What a day!

One more time my ex cheated on me, not with another woman, but with the tax return papers. He kept all expenses for himself, so he can have a bigger tax return then me. He even takes the anticontraceptive pill, considering all the medication expenses he has.Verstomd Most of those expenses had been paid by me.

Considering, apart from that I moved out, leaving behind a very luxurious villa with all amenities and renting an apartment while still pay half of all expenses of the house, I am really sucked dry by this man, who only landed in Portugal because of my father and got work because of my fathers connections. This is man that had nothing and was given everything in his lap. He proved today once again that he will NEVER allow me to have anything if he has something to say about it.

In full Taurus mode I went for the head on confrontation. And who started screaming at me, well my venom-in-law. She went completely berserk. The things she said to me, you wouldn't believe it.

The mask came of, an ugly face replaced the mask, an old grey face, full of hatred, bitterness, frustration, a face full of "miserable" wrinkles, you know the sort you get when you cannot smile out of your heart, but just a pretend-smile. I was rooted to the ground for just a minute, regained my composure, straightened my back, threw my shoulders backwards and in stead of backing away from her , I just stepped into her, making HER back away. That made her go completely over the edge. She actually tried to throw me out of my own house.

More things were thrown in my face. Things I have known for so many years, were confirmed there and then. Poison kept on pouring out of her, an ugly green stream of nasty words, meant to hurt, to put down, to kill.

Only, these words funnily enough did not hurt me, because I knew she always thought them about me, these words just passed me by, giving me confirmation, but not stopping in my heart. Actually she was/is pathetic.

She screwed up her own two children, made such insecure adults of both of them due of her need for complete attention and her immense uncertainty that she has created this scary megalomaniac personality, just as her son has this megalomaniac treat. Narcissism all over the place. And the only thing they know what to do is thinking of how they can hurt other people so they don't have to feel that frustrated.

It's sad. The other child is a complete screw-up, who cannot even behave as an adult amongst people, a person without a backbone.

I have to stop judging, because it is not nice to judge and certainly not my job. But I have been observing this weird dysfunctional family for over 20 years, and I knew there was something very wrong with them. Close at the edge are they of becoming sociopaths that would destroy anything or anyone crossing them.

They are a scary bunch.

I pray every night that this will end. That I can disconnect from them completely. But you know, the coming days, I still have to go there to pack the rest of my stuff, and the shitty stuff they left behind. I have already decided I wll not take that. I will give it to someone who needs it. I prefer to buy new plates, glasses, cutlery. Get rid of the bad energy that is surely attached to these objects. That's also why I refuse to take any furniture with me.

And today , in all the commotion, I got a glimpse of the near future. They say "What goes around , comes around". Well, that was the glimpse I got today, and I can see the coming around is already starting to happen. Pretty soon it will be full-blown in their faces.

Tomorrow another difficult day, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.....I see it, I feel it, and this is something I have not seen or felt in a long time. The end is very near.

 

 

 

22:14 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |