21 Years Down the Drain.



There are no words to describe how I feel.

I feel a complete idiot. I have actually lost 21 years of my life. I have been used by my husband and his family. And I apparently only found out now. I am angry with myself for being as blind as a bat.

I have to get rid of this anger, because it’s not healthy. Only not today.

Today I will have to blow off steam. The realization of being so STUPID is infuriating.


I still cannot believe the audacity, the disrespect, the 180º turning of the truth that some people manage to have or do. It is incomprehensible to me, as I am what you could call a “trusting soul”.


That trust, that acceptance of people, that particular trait, which so much defines my personality, I will never give that up, even though I have been backstabbed in a real big way. But I refuse to let that turn me into a bitter, resentful person, although at the moment the steam is still coming out of my ears and nostrils. Perhaps just as good. Let it out. Kick against a wall. Perhaps break a plate or two…At least the darkness gets out that way and does not pollute me.


As you probably noticed I have a new name for the house. The house, which I dreamed up and lovingly chose materials for and decorated for it to be a home for my family, I call it the Devil’s Mansion now. The bad energy that emanates from that place is horrifying. I feel nauseated whenever I enter it, to the point of vomiting. My soul, my spirit, my energy are completely gone. It is a ghost house. No soul. But it is not the house, that will always be special and have a good feel, it is the persons that are in it, that pollute this beautiful place with their hatred and negativity.


After everybody has left, I will go there and cleanse it ritually as to get rid of those bad energies. I would not want the new inhabitant to suffer from that sort of menacing feeling.


Perhaps you think I lost it now, when I’m talking about energies and cleansing rituals, but I do assure you I am not kidding. I always believed there is more between heaven and earth, than we can see. And lately I have become much more open to capturing these energies, which at times can be very scary.


Funnily enough I often dream about a certain person and that day he or she will contact me, or I will learn something about them, or I find out something I didn’t know.

Being open was a bit frightening at first,  now it comes almost naturally. I would like to go even further, become even more receptive. I would like to use this “gift” to help myself grow, and therefore help other people grow and see the light through their struggles.


If there is one thing I have learned for sure, it is that there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you remain positive and have faith. There were times during these past two years that I thought of giving up, because I was so down, so utterly exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I actually thought I would never get “there”. I have come a long way since then, and I do know now that I have so much more strength in me then I could ever have imagined. I am proud to say I am nearly there, not completely, but nearly. And even if I’m not, I will NEVER give up fighting, even if it means letting go.

But any obstacle put on my way, will now be easily overcome. Because I have faith. Because I trust. In a higher Energy, in myself, in my real friends.


09:22 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (3) |  Facebook |


*** Those years were not wasted. For me it were 27 years and I thought I had thrown my young years away. But think about it, they are not. There are your children, there is what you became. And yes, it was a nice guy ... once, but the step by step transformation you cannot notice. It's like a slow poison.

Anger is not so bad. The more anger you feel now, the quicker it will be gone. It has to come out and it is not wrong to be angry as long as you have it under control.

The house : I felt the same way but I didn't hate the place. It is just that I don't want to return. I don't want to see it again. Never. And yes, it had been my dream to buy a farm and now I don't have a farm, but really ? It was just a dream.

There IS more between heaven and earth and I am glad I am not the only one thinking that I'm losing it.

I once read that difficulties in life are only for the strong. Maybe it is correct, but still it is not right.


Gepost door: ms | 10-03-09

*** Das helemaal geen verloren tijd... je kinderen, jij, wie je geworden bent!!!

Vallen en steeds weer opstaan!!! Nooit opgeven!!! Trouw blijven aan jezelf, bovenal!!! No matter what!!!

Bij iedere scheiding hoort een rouwproces!!!

Jij bent op de goeie weg!!!

Gepost door: Tal | 10-03-09

Ja ik weet dat ik het zo niet mag stellen, maar toe ik mijn laatste spulling ging halen, kwam ik mijn trouwjurk en album tegen, en mijn maag draaide letterlik om. Een flash....het besef dat ik TOEN al wist dat dit niet juist was. Ik kan het niet uitleggen, alleen dat ik het WIST. En toch ging ik ermee door, meer voor de familie en hem. ik koos niet voor mezelf. En dan ook nog kinderen , want zo "hoorde" het.
Begrij me niet verkeerd, mijn jongens zijn mijn grootste schat en ik wil ze voor geen goud missen, maar eigenlijk had ik die stap nooit mogen zetten. IK en IK ALLEEN ben verantwoordelijk voor die keuze.

Gepost door: Crisje | 13-03-09

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