24-02-09

Restless

Today has been a weird day.

First it started with me not being able to wake up. Luckily it was a public holiday, so no gettingup early.

Then it was all the dreams I had and remembered into detail. Weird stuff as well. Don't know what is going on lately, but I have these sort of dreams that I remember clearly and I dream in "episodes". It's like having one's own TV-show. 

When I finally managed to open my eyes and keep them open, I jumped out of bed. I am a quick starter, I can get up and be active immediately. So after a shower I felt a bit less hazy in my head.

Off I went shopping with Stofke, who wanted to buy a new game with his monthly allowance. Me, I found some hot boots to expand my boots collection, still on sale ( 60% off), so I was happy.

The rest of the day was spent in a weird state of consciousness, that I wouldn't really be able to call "here" at all. I moved in between the living room, kitchen and bedroom, without a real goal to accomplish, thinking that I actually should be doing this and that, but not being able to get into any real action. I hate myself when I am in that state.

And so the day passed by again. I might stop by at the Carnaval party at Obar later on ( I hate Carnaval, but what the heck, I will not go through the trouble of getting dressed up). Perhaps it will make a good ending to this off-day that I am having.

But in any case, the weird mill in my mind doesn't seem to want to stop today as well -- it actually started yesterday night while trying to get to sleep--. I am struggling with myself, as I have been so often in the past. Sometimes we are just our own worst enemy. And today I am that exactly.

I wish that one day things will become a bit easier--just a tiny bit-- because all this stress and uncertainty is wearing me out, but it is probably my lesson in life, to learn how to live with uncertainties. Something I really don't like very much, although I have to admit that it does make life more "exciting", and this can be in a positive or negative way.

I also am cursing myself for once again being stupid and worry about a person that doesn't really deserve my worrying. But I do it anyway, it's my nature. And immediately I was punished by another one of his manipulative emails trying to frighten me. I've had enough of that as well. I feel like being kept hostage by him and there is nothing I can actually do, as long as the answer is NO to all my proposals. I have given up on those proposals hoping he will take another stand, But to no avail...Wenkbrouw ophalen. I want to leave my past behind me...start afresh completely, without the choking feeling of still being controlled in all aspects of my life. I ignore it most of the time, but sometimes it comes back to haunt me.

Enough complaining for now. Head up, shoulders straight and on we go to fight another day......

 

 

 

21:50 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

19-02-09

Thank You !

t48318


I visited my own blog today and read commentaries on one of my recent posts. One of them was from my friend.

 

When I was going to my “roughest” phase (that is until now, but let’s stay optimistic), she was there, literally, accompanying me day by day, witnessing very high altitudes and very low depths, witnessing the stepping forwards and backwards, the changes, the confusion, the hurt, the happiness at some moments because of a tiny word, gesture from someone who I was important to me at the time, and who I thought would forever be important in my life.

 

She was a pillar of support, a book of wisdom, although she is much younger, a shoulder for me to cry on.

 

The day she left me on my own (physically, never in her mind or heart) I cried, I was frustrated, I knew I had to face him alone from now on, day after day, without that moral support, sitting right opposite me, giving me that smile, that head shake, indicating that she knew exactly how I felt when he was at his worst once again. She actually risked everything, because she knew very well that he is a very bitter person who is unable to forgive, so she faced his wrath day after day. He used and abused her verbally at will, disrespecting her and her work, and still she hung in there, kept on rooting for me and supporting me despite the “danger”.

 

Therefore I would like to thank her, like this, in writing, via my blog, knowing that one day she will read it, together with other people I regard as special, to acknowledge what she did for me, and what it meant to me. Thanks Amiga …..Gosto de ti e permanecerás para sempre no fundo do meu coração!

 

About the “other” person I thought to be special...well he disappointed me very deeply. He was not courageous at all, on the contrary, his cowardice was so great I became to regret I ever met him. However, despite my disillusion with his attitude, I must never forget that he was in my life for a reason. Without him I certainly wouldn’t have been able to “open” my eyes from the blindness that had been there for so long. Without him I would never have been able to “jump” out of the cage that kept me. Without him I would never have become the person who I have become today, a person that has grown and is still capable of growth every single day. So actually I have to thank him as well. So to him, thanks and bye for ever, because I will not look back on you and mourn the friendship I thought we had and which you chose to abandon out of fear. I don’t condemn you any longer, I forgive you. I hope that one day you will be able to open your eyes, change and find the happiness you are seeking so desperately in the wrong places.

 

13:00 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

03-02-09

For Fun : Google Translations

Just for fun , I decided to translate one of my older posts in English via the Google translator. The following was the result -- it's more like Chines to me, but hey, who a I?

31-01-2006

Accident


 'k Ben just my graceful smoeleke cases .... How do they now ask you away?
Well, it takes a floor of sweetened Belgian stone, which is consistent with linseed ingevet, we put them a few boots with high heels and a leather sole, with these ingredients to give a fierce Crisje that progress must quickly and gracefully as the floor, and almost with her smoeleke by the glass of the keukendeur is happy ... this is a pivot ran door flew open with saying that the violence was used against her. Thus came Crisje just hard on her plump little right knee. 
I am but efkens just sit on the ground to obtain ... because it did efkens very much, but it could be much worse. I have now but my sloefkens served with a rubber zooltje ....

Ok, does this make any sense ????

So now for a decent translation, done by Moi:

" I just fell on my cute little face... How does she manage that, you will suerely ask yourselves. Well, we just take a floor of black treated hardstone, just cleaned with line seed oil, a pair of high heeld boots and leather soles, we give these ingredients to a very active Crisje, who has to be on her way out quickly and thus slips gracefully on the kitchen floor... luckily the doors are pivoting doors, which opened nearly entirely by themselves by the violence directed towards them. Therefore Crisje landed only landed on her nicely shaped knees and not her face....

I then stayed on the floor for while to catch my breath, because it did hurt a little bit, but it could have been so much worse. So now I am wearing rubber soled slippers! "

This also doesn't make any sense, I know, but at least you can understand it Knipogen

 

 

 

23:23 Gepost door Crisje in General | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

Mercury direct

"For most part of January the planet Mercury has been retrograde.  A retrograde period is best seen as a cycle, beginning when the planet begins to slow to a halt before travelling backwards through the zodiac and ending when the planet returns to the point where it first paused. However, during the cycle, the planet's energy is most powerful (and more likely to generate critical events of universal importance) when the planet makes a station: appearing motionless in the sky.

In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is therefore not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed.

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation? Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate."

( Source www.astrologycom.com )

Weirdly enough this period coincides with a period of non-communication in my personal life. Now that Mercury is back to direct (as from February 1st) I hope that communication will resume, alhough I realize that it will be me to take the initiative here.

I am non-prepared for this initiative and will have to rely on my intuition as to when to initiate communication and as to what the content of this communication will be. Again, I want to rule out my ratio behaving weirdly -- read this as "behaving as a mad bull in a porcelain shop, destroying everything around him". I want this communication to come from my heart and soul, so it will be a lot harder, as the person I'm willing to communicate with is a ratio-person, mulling everything in his/her head several times over so that he/she is so confused that he/she is not able to listen to his/her heart anymore, thus prone to make the wrong, ratio-based decisions, whilst knowing deep down that the status-quo will not work out in the long term. But who am I to tell him/her that ?

So I have to be neutral, soft-spoken, kind, and sympathetic, although in reality I would really want to slap his/her face and say, "wake up and smell the good stuff, the change that is ahead of you and good for you, the real love you could feel if you let it", but then again, who am I to do that?

Who am I? A question I have been asking for some time now, and the answers are coming into view little by little on most matters. Only this matter continues to confuse me, probably because I feel the other persons' confusion, as if it were my own. I can understand his/her point of view completely. I have been there myself , so who am I to judge? If only I would be given the opportunity to spend more time with this person, I think it would make a difference. Little planted seeds and existing roots would not get the chance to die, they would be nourished by good communication, face-to-face, breath-to-breath, body-to-body.

So what I am hoping for, now that Mercury is direct once again, is that my initiative will be appreciated, accepted and thought over as a positive note, thus reconstructing and renourishing the seeds or roots that might not have been watered enough in the last month(s). And I will ask my guide for assistance to please, please not behave as the usual bull in the pottery department store.

The outcome--who knows. We'll see were it brings me. But if I don't take the risk, the chance of loosing is about 99% at the moment, I guess. So I have nothing to loose by picking up that phone, sending that email or skyping that person. The means I have not figured out yet. But I AM doing it!

 

 

 

14:46 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |