24-02-09

Restless

Today has been a weird day.

First it started with me not being able to wake up. Luckily it was a public holiday, so no gettingup early.

Then it was all the dreams I had and remembered into detail. Weird stuff as well. Don't know what is going on lately, but I have these sort of dreams that I remember clearly and I dream in "episodes". It's like having one's own TV-show. 

When I finally managed to open my eyes and keep them open, I jumped out of bed. I am a quick starter, I can get up and be active immediately. So after a shower I felt a bit less hazy in my head.

Off I went shopping with Stofke, who wanted to buy a new game with his monthly allowance. Me, I found some hot boots to expand my boots collection, still on sale ( 60% off), so I was happy.

The rest of the day was spent in a weird state of consciousness, that I wouldn't really be able to call "here" at all. I moved in between the living room, kitchen and bedroom, without a real goal to accomplish, thinking that I actually should be doing this and that, but not being able to get into any real action. I hate myself when I am in that state.

And so the day passed by again. I might stop by at the Carnaval party at Obar later on ( I hate Carnaval, but what the heck, I will not go through the trouble of getting dressed up). Perhaps it will make a good ending to this off-day that I am having.

But in any case, the weird mill in my mind doesn't seem to want to stop today as well -- it actually started yesterday night while trying to get to sleep--. I am struggling with myself, as I have been so often in the past. Sometimes we are just our own worst enemy. And today I am that exactly.

I wish that one day things will become a bit easier--just a tiny bit-- because all this stress and uncertainty is wearing me out, but it is probably my lesson in life, to learn how to live with uncertainties. Something I really don't like very much, although I have to admit that it does make life more "exciting", and this can be in a positive or negative way.

I also am cursing myself for once again being stupid and worry about a person that doesn't really deserve my worrying. But I do it anyway, it's my nature. And immediately I was punished by another one of his manipulative emails trying to frighten me. I've had enough of that as well. I feel like being kept hostage by him and there is nothing I can actually do, as long as the answer is NO to all my proposals. I have given up on those proposals hoping he will take another stand, But to no avail...Wenkbrouw ophalen. I want to leave my past behind me...start afresh completely, without the choking feeling of still being controlled in all aspects of my life. I ignore it most of the time, but sometimes it comes back to haunt me.

Enough complaining for now. Head up, shoulders straight and on we go to fight another day......

 

 

 

21:50 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

Commentaren

Sorry to say, there will be more of these days in the future. Anyhow, they have their usefulness, to learn to cope with your worst enemy ;-)

Gepost door: ms | 25-02-09

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