30-01-09

Ratio vs. Heart

T
he last 2 years have been pretty rough on me. Those who have followed my blog for a while, could read between lines that things were not looking good, as a matter of fact, they were pretty awful.

 

There were many times I thought I would not survive this, but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And with my pit bull mentality I managed to survive the hard times. I tried very hard to make things work, because I was scared shitless. But in my heart I knew that it could never work anymore, even though my brain was constantly saying to work at it and give it another chance.

 

Since May last year I made the decision and went my own way, I cut through cords, which after 21 years was a very hard thing to do. But I chose the most difficult way. I could have stayed, because of the fact that it would be easier, financially, practically, because of all the things that linked us, out of habit, commodity, whatever. However I’m very proud to say I did NOT do that. I chose for CHANGE. Radical and complete change.

 

I can tell you it wasn’t easy. Living on my own for the very first time of my life. OK , my youngest son is living with me, but you know what I mean. Now, some eight months down the line, I can surely say that I have grown enormously,I have become a more complete person. Instead of staying stuck in a situation/relation I knew deep down in my heart would never work out, I choose freedom, personal growth and independence. I chose for ME.  I do not claim here that I have not gone through hard times the first months and sometimes I still have my dips—logical, I am not Super Woman.

 

But I have learned a big lesson: DO NOT LET YOUR RATIONAL SIDE LEAD YOUR LIFE. Different aspects of my being, my ego, my ratio, my emotional being and my spiritual being have reached some sort of balance, but my ratio does no longer rule my life, because I refuse to let it.

The only way to live life to the fullest is living through your heart, and your heart is NEVER wrong.

 

I no longer do what goes against my grain, what does not feel right/good. And if my ratio is sticking its ugly head up to put some sticks between my wheels , I take a step back, calm down and go inside. I distanciate myself from my head and go to my emotion, my spirituality, my HEART.

 

Lately I am not very happy with a certain event that is going on in my life. I have had my ratio interfere, I have had my emotions go completely berserk, I have had loads of patience –it has become my middle name-- but now I know what it is I have to do. And real soon. Why am I so sure of what to do, well easy….I just went to my “inner core” and listened to what my heart and intuition had to say.

 

It is an advice I can give – please do not think I do this out of arrogance—but it is important not to stay stuck in the past, into situations of which you know they really do not work, although they are the easiest road to take. I call that a sort of cowardice. (sorry) Change is the ONLY way forward if you want some sort of fulfillment in your life. So embrace that change, don’t rationalize it, feel it, and after the first hard period you will find  that doors open and so many new possibilities are there for you. It is actually beautiful. I never thought I could do it, but I did, and I have become a better person/woman because of it. No one will bring me down again, and the ones who try, I’m very sorry….but suffer the consequences, because I will NOT let you.

t271317

26-01-09

Mornings and Confusion

On my normal mornings, I wake up and take my time for breakfast, as I enjoy that. I used to read during breakfast, but that has been replaced by facebooking.

It relaxes me, I peruse through the latest posts , give a comment here and there, try to accept some requests. It actually prepares me for the day ahead.

Monday morning though I stumbled on a post by a friend. I was sitting there for a while with my mouth full of teeth -- a typical Flemish expression, translated very literally, which means "i was speechless" or more particularly in this case, how to interpret or react/not react to that post.

I find it either a very blunt and open statement of someone who is coming to his/her senses, after inner fighting, or else it is just extremely hypocritical. Which way to go in my interpretation...I really do NOT know. I will need more info. Which, btw, I am still waiting for. Just that U know it.

PS: I decided after serious ponderation to leave a comment. I wonder , are doors opening or closing....my intuition tells me which option it is. I will wait and see....as always. 

10:24 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

25-01-09

Going into English

As I have made my account on facebook, and as the general language of communication is English, I decided to start writing on my blog again, but in English. If I had more time I would use two languages, but don't think it would work for me. Not enough patience Schamen

As I said in one of my earlier posts, facebook has opened up a whole new way for me. Meeting old friends again, meeting new friends, getting support from people you do not even know personally but who in one way or another have followed your way through personal difficult times, and are contacting me personally to have a talk and give me hope and courage to go on. It is truly amazing. At times I still cannot believe it myself.

The road in the mean time hasn't become any easier. At the moment I am going through a strange phase in my life. Good things together with bad things mixed up to a strange composition of  confusing  ( to my mind anyway) happenings, that I have to give a place in my life now. I am learning every day, but the best thing I have learned is PATIENCE. An enormous amount of it. I hope I will get rewarded for all this patience I have with  certain people.

Sometimes I think by myself, "are they actually worth it", and then I want to do, say or write something very impulsively ( I'm Taurus..so provocation or things not going the way I want them to go, does not work too well with me). Then I put a hold on that impulsiveness, take a few steps back and think to myself..." yes, they are actually worth it". Let me say by the way that I have this with very few people. Only special people in my life can get away with almost anything. Others, which I don't have a real connection with , but to whom I still would have been "polite", as good manners go, are now OUT of my books. I refuse to put my energy there, and will not play the "hypocritical, but socially correct, person anymore. NO WAY!

So that's where I am at the moment. Confused, tired of all the "divorce-mess" that still hasn't got one step further, a bit hurt as well, but all in all , I now I'll get there someday....perhaps not soon, but someday... And hat knowledge is enough for now. ( Actually, it has to be, there's not much I can do about it anyway, so...)

 

 

17:23 Gepost door Crisje in In My Head | Permalink | Commentaren (4) |  Facebook |