Hypocrisie, Narcissism and Megalomaniacs

What a day!

One more time my ex cheated on me, not with another woman, but with the tax return papers. He kept all expenses for himself, so he can have a bigger tax return then me. He even takes the anticontraceptive pill, considering all the medication expenses he has.Verstomd Most of those expenses had been paid by me.

Considering, apart from that I moved out, leaving behind a very luxurious villa with all amenities and renting an apartment while still pay half of all expenses of the house, I am really sucked dry by this man, who only landed in Portugal because of my father and got work because of my fathers connections. This is man that had nothing and was given everything in his lap. He proved today once again that he will NEVER allow me to have anything if he has something to say about it.

In full Taurus mode I went for the head on confrontation. And who started screaming at me, well my venom-in-law. She went completely berserk. The things she said to me, you wouldn't believe it.

The mask came of, an ugly face replaced the mask, an old grey face, full of hatred, bitterness, frustration, a face full of "miserable" wrinkles, you know the sort you get when you cannot smile out of your heart, but just a pretend-smile. I was rooted to the ground for just a minute, regained my composure, straightened my back, threw my shoulders backwards and in stead of backing away from her , I just stepped into her, making HER back away. That made her go completely over the edge. She actually tried to throw me out of my own house.

More things were thrown in my face. Things I have known for so many years, were confirmed there and then. Poison kept on pouring out of her, an ugly green stream of nasty words, meant to hurt, to put down, to kill.

Only, these words funnily enough did not hurt me, because I knew she always thought them about me, these words just passed me by, giving me confirmation, but not stopping in my heart. Actually she was/is pathetic.

She screwed up her own two children, made such insecure adults of both of them due of her need for complete attention and her immense uncertainty that she has created this scary megalomaniac personality, just as her son has this megalomaniac treat. Narcissism all over the place. And the only thing they know what to do is thinking of how they can hurt other people so they don't have to feel that frustrated.

It's sad. The other child is a complete screw-up, who cannot even behave as an adult amongst people, a person without a backbone.

I have to stop judging, because it is not nice to judge and certainly not my job. But I have been observing this weird dysfunctional family for over 20 years, and I knew there was something very wrong with them. Close at the edge are they of becoming sociopaths that would destroy anything or anyone crossing them.

They are a scary bunch.

I pray every night that this will end. That I can disconnect from them completely. But you know, the coming days, I still have to go there to pack the rest of my stuff, and the shitty stuff they left behind. I have already decided I wll not take that. I will give it to someone who needs it. I prefer to buy new plates, glasses, cutlery. Get rid of the bad energy that is surely attached to these objects. That's also why I refuse to take any furniture with me.

And today , in all the commotion, I got a glimpse of the near future. They say "What goes around , comes around". Well, that was the glimpse I got today, and I can see the coming around is already starting to happen. Pretty soon it will be full-blown in their faces.

Tomorrow another difficult day, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.....I see it, I feel it, and this is something I have not seen or felt in a long time. The end is very near.




22:14 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |


Mercury direct

"For most part of January the planet Mercury has been retrograde.  A retrograde period is best seen as a cycle, beginning when the planet begins to slow to a halt before travelling backwards through the zodiac and ending when the planet returns to the point where it first paused. However, during the cycle, the planet's energy is most powerful (and more likely to generate critical events of universal importance) when the planet makes a station: appearing motionless in the sky.

In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is therefore not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed.

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation? Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate."

( Source www.astrologycom.com )

Weirdly enough this period coincides with a period of non-communication in my personal life. Now that Mercury is back to direct (as from February 1st) I hope that communication will resume, alhough I realize that it will be me to take the initiative here.

I am non-prepared for this initiative and will have to rely on my intuition as to when to initiate communication and as to what the content of this communication will be. Again, I want to rule out my ratio behaving weirdly -- read this as "behaving as a mad bull in a porcelain shop, destroying everything around him". I want this communication to come from my heart and soul, so it will be a lot harder, as the person I'm willing to communicate with is a ratio-person, mulling everything in his/her head several times over so that he/she is so confused that he/she is not able to listen to his/her heart anymore, thus prone to make the wrong, ratio-based decisions, whilst knowing deep down that the status-quo will not work out in the long term. But who am I to tell him/her that ?

So I have to be neutral, soft-spoken, kind, and sympathetic, although in reality I would really want to slap his/her face and say, "wake up and smell the good stuff, the change that is ahead of you and good for you, the real love you could feel if you let it", but then again, who am I to do that?

Who am I? A question I have been asking for some time now, and the answers are coming into view little by little on most matters. Only this matter continues to confuse me, probably because I feel the other persons' confusion, as if it were my own. I can understand his/her point of view completely. I have been there myself , so who am I to judge? If only I would be given the opportunity to spend more time with this person, I think it would make a difference. Little planted seeds and existing roots would not get the chance to die, they would be nourished by good communication, face-to-face, breath-to-breath, body-to-body.

So what I am hoping for, now that Mercury is direct once again, is that my initiative will be appreciated, accepted and thought over as a positive note, thus reconstructing and renourishing the seeds or roots that might not have been watered enough in the last month(s). And I will ask my guide for assistance to please, please not behave as the usual bull in the pottery department store.

The outcome--who knows. We'll see were it brings me. But if I don't take the risk, the chance of loosing is about 99% at the moment, I guess. So I have nothing to loose by picking up that phone, sending that email or skyping that person. The means I have not figured out yet. But I AM doing it!




14:46 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |


Terug van weggeweest

Hier ben ik weer.

Na lange tijd.

Maar ik ben door het ergste heen en vandaar heb ik weer zin gekregen in het bloggen.

De grote stap is gezet. Cisje heeft het huis verlaten, woont nu op een appartementje met Stofke, heeft daar al een aangereden hond opgevangen en begint eindelijk haar draai te vinden als "single" vrouw.

Officieel ben ik dat natuurlijk nog niet . Die rompslomp moet nog gebeuren --en geloof me dat zal niet makkelijk worden-- maar, mijn leven is helemaal anders. En in mijn hoofd ben ik dus gewoonweg SINGLE.

Ik ben letterlijk ontsnapt aan de gouden kooi. En de vrijheid die ik in ruil heb gekregen is met geen geld te betalen. Ik voel me goed. Alhoewel het in het begin heel moeilijk was. Vooral na de laatste maanden voor ik uiteindelijk genoeg moed bijeen had geraapt om weg te gaan.

Maar ik was totaal op, had geen energie meer, geen rust meer, maandenlang geen enkele nacht serieus geslapen, maar alleen maar ronddwalen en denken, denken, tot ik er zelf bijna gek van werd.

Nu slaap ik heerlijk, ik heb een serieuze stap teruggezet en er nog geen moment spijt van gehad.

En wat met E zullen jullie denken. Die gelooft dat ik nog steeds terug ga en dat ik nog steeds van hem houd, maar als er één ding is , wat hijzelf gewoonweg helemaal stuk heeft gemaakt dan is het wel mijn laatste restje liefde voor hem. Ineens draaide die knop als het ware om. Het was genoeg, over, BASTA!

De honden werden met meer respect behandeld dan ik.

Het verhaal krijgen jullie beetje bij beetje te horen.

Maar nu wil ik jullie melden dat het goed gaat met me, dat ik best trots ben op mezelf en dat ik zeker weet dat ik het alleen ga redden.

22:26 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (5) |  Facebook |


Duizelige Blues

Iedereen denkt weeral da'k de blues heb, na mijn postje van maandag.

Het was eigenlijk gewoonweg een nadenkertje dat ik wilde meegeven aan de medebloggers.

Maar tja, ik kan niet ontkennen dat het "dipjesmaand" is. Januari en Februari zijn niet bepaald mijn favorieten. Altijd al gehad. Gelukkig hebben we de zon wel mee hier. Maar vandaag is het aanzienlijk kouder in Portugesië-land. ( oké, koud da's dan 5 a 6  graden 's morgens...).

Het vervelend is dat mijn kleine "blues" gepaard gaan met een verschrikkelijk duizelig hoofd. Te wijten aan mijn nek...die zit weeral zo vast als weet ik veel wat. Ik zit voor mijn scherm te draaien als op de paardemolen. Gisteren op de pijnbank gelegen om er toch wat beweging in te krijgen. De vraag is nu wat ik juist heb uitgespookd om weer helemaal vast te zitten. Gisteren kon ik er niet opkomen, maar toen ik thuiskwam en de Yogalates DVD zag liggen, kon ik wel enkele verbanden leggen. Na een hele tijd totaal niks geen lichaamsbeweging te hebben gedaan ( althans buiten de normale bewegingen om) besloot ik zondag om toch maar eens terug wat te gaan doen en die DVD van Yogalates op te zetten. Uitgerust met yogamat, handdoek, kussen en andere attributen, deed ik de oefeningen mee. Maar natuurlijk moest ik tijdens mijn volle overgave toch het beeld in het oog houden om de oefeningen te kunnen volgen. Ik denk dat ik daarbij mijn nek en hoofd in onmogelijke bochten heb gewrongen, met alle gevolgen vandien.

'k Had me weer beter met iets anders bezig gehouden.

12:46 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (9) |  Facebook |


Bloos, Bloos!

Ja, ik zit hier echt te blozen met al die reacties op het vorige postje...en dat ik echt rood kon/kan worden, daar moet je het maar eens met Anneke over hebben...die kan dat beamen. En te bedenken dat ik toen al zo'n vervormd zelfbeeld had.... nu ik ernaar terugkijk, denk ik wel wat een stomme tijds - en energieverspilling van zo te denken. Maar daar ben ik dan weer  "typisch" vrouw voor hé.

De afgelopen dagen weinig zin en tijd gehad om te bloggen. Ik sleur me van de éne naar de andere plek vooruit. 'k Ben precies gestoken door de Tsé Tsé vlieg en heb er de slaapziekte aan overgehouden. Zet me ergens neer op een bankje en ik zou zo kunnen slapen. Maar no rest for the wicked!  
Dat weten we al lang. Bovendien zijn er plannen in de richting van een cursus AMX programmering volgen in België. Of het echt doorgaat weet ik nog niet, maar ik heb er wel interesse in. Alleen kloppen de data van de cursusdagen voor de rest van dit jaar niet zo goed voor mij. Ik zal me eens nader moeten informeren. Ondertussen ben ik wel al met de basiscursus via het internet gestart. 'k Ben eens benieuwd wat ik daar nu concreet van ga waarmaken, want ik ken mezelf ook een beetje en als ik iets kan uitstellen, dan zal ik het zeker niet laten. Een voordeel zou wel een bezoekje aan België zijn, al zal het dan wel niet om bezoekjes en shopping en etentjes gaan.

Jullie horen hier zeker en vast nog meer over.....

16:45 Gepost door Crisje in About Ikke (Me) | Permalink | Commentaren (5) |  Facebook |