Een nieuw leven voor Crisje

Funny how your life can make a complete turn. Sometimes for the worst, sometimes for the better.

Since November last year, my spirit had been in a downward spiral. I could not see any endings anymore to the long and winding divorce battle I had been in since 2008. A verbal agreement was reached but it took my ex another 5 months before coming through on it. And those months for me were worse then when I actually stepped out of our marriage.

I stopped believing in a "reasonable" outcome. Good it would never be, but "reasonable" I could deal with , and even so I had no trust in "reasonable" anymore. I dragged myself through day by day by day, pestering my lawyer constantly in order for things to hopefully go ahead, although the ball was not in his camp either. I was merely surviving, not living, awaiting the "liberation" that I needed so badly to happen.

It was not until the very last day, the day that the court case I had against him would be going through, that my ex finally succumbed and signed the agreement we had made verbally so many months ago, actually going back to the original agreement of two years earlier.  He was even pressured in doing so, otherwise I guess it would never have happened and a long legal battle would have been my future for the first years to come. And I think I could not have made it through that. I was even making plans of moving country, should worse come to worse.

That was were I was at in the month of March this year. Desperate, panicking, although trying to keep my head up, loosing all trust, faith and patience with the whole thing, depression creeping in , not interested in anything or anyone anymore.

And then all of a sudden the turnaround came. The funny part is that once things start to turn around, they turn in many aspects at the same time. It's as if a chain event takes place...one door opens and suddenly a whole lot of other doors also open, leaving one completely taken by surprise--in a good way. 

That's what happened to me. Not only did I finally get to sign our agreement, but in the same week my emotional life took a whole new start. I fell in love, head over heels, not thinking it would ever happen again to me, especially not with that person, who I already knew for a while, since the last two years had been very weird in that department as well.

So when the day came to sign , I was not the pessimistic depressed woman, with no hope for the future anymore. I was a very happy customer in complete bliss and with a whole new outlook on life, on new possibilities, I thought would never arise anymore. I was alive again for the first time in a long long while.

So I can truly say...Miracles DO happen....and timing is crucial , as if divine powers are at work. At least  that's how I see it.  When things were at its worst, all was bad. Then a sparkle of light came in , and all of a sudden tha sun started shining bright and warm again.

Looking back at it now, I can say that it was not a minute too late. Just perfect coming together of things, all in the same week. If someone else would tell me the story I might have a hard time believing it, but now that I lived it myself, I know that it can happen.

All one needs is an open mind, patience, and a whole lot of faith, because it is true...after rain always comes sunshine, even after he biggest downpour ever.....

Life is funny. It deals you cards. Good ones and bad ones. Then you have to play. And bluff...don't forget to bluff once in a while.

But bluffing is easier said than done. Especially if you don't have a poker face, like me.... Lately, however, the bluffing becomes much easier...one learns eventually. Sometimes it's actually fun. 

Life is also funny in the way it can throw a veil over things, people , happenings. That veil makes us believe that what we are fighting/living for is the right thing. It throws shadows on our emotions, on our rationalizing, on our whole existance. It can actually make you think you are free, happy, enjoying your life, whatever...But in actual fact you are not free, not happy, not enjoying...and you don't even realize it on a conscious level. Subconsiously all the info is there, only we forget to link up with our uncounsciousness most of the times, and continue believing in the falsenes we are living day to day. Only when we are ready to tear away thet veil, can we really be free, happy, enjoying..then we can become conscious.

I have tasted this freedom for over a year now. I am in the process of personal acceptance, personal forgiveness and each day I feel surer, happier, more and more ME. It is a wonderful process, although it started out with very painful situations, tearing me up inside. Now I realize that it had to be that way. Without going through all the hurt, I would certainly not have become the person I have become/am becoming-- it is a non-stop process, I keep on learning everyday. 

It is incomprehensible to me that some people very consciously choose NOT to grow. They are so comfortable with the veil that they make excuses in order to not accept the gift that is there for them to grasp, if only they had the courage to reach beyond. I feel sorry for those people, because they miss out on so much good, so much beauty, somuch inner peace. And I think in the end that is the reason we are here. To be courageous, to unveil the hiddden gifts that life has in store for us.

It has been a while since I last posted something. There is a reason for that.

On one hand, my llife has become easier. This is because I have made it easier for myself, by keeping well away from certain peole, not fretting too much, and taking it one day at a time.

On the other hand it has gotten considerably more difficult, as my father turned out to be a perfect way of revenge onto me by my ex. He has been suing all my father's companies, thus deteriorating my father's health seriously. My father's mental health was far from 100%, but the incredible thing was that on the day of the first court hearing, he just stopped. Stopped eating, drinking, thinking, walking, living....we took a catatonic person to court, whilst my ex sat here with his hand in front of his face as not to witness this complete destruction of the man that gave him all opportuities, the father of his wife of 21 years, the grandfather of his sons. Some people have NO conscious.

As for me, I have stepped into the problem solving of my father's mess, and the complete and organized attack on my ex who has been robbing me of a fortune. The people that think they are smarter then other people often give the ones who are patient, bide their time, and collect all trump cards given to them, all proof in hands, and thus dig their own grave.

That moment has come. Now that our house has been sold, the big blackmailing item on his list has fell away, thus making it impossible for him to continue controlling me. And me, who has been silent for a year, saw what was happening and what he was doing, but was tied at hands and feet, and now I could finally step in and made use of all the information I had gathered during that long and frustrating waiting period.

So in the mean while, the first win in court is in with regards to the company. He was/is not amused. And immediately the blackmailing, the frightening game started again. This time however with no result whatsoever. The time of me being blackmailed and openly abused is long gone. So he threatens, so he shouts, so he is out of his mind and seeking other ways of control...Who cares? Not me... And this is only the start of what might be a long series of cases against him. This is what happens when you think yourself superior and are so bold in making serious mistakes that you give the oher party all in hands. So actually I have to thank him for being him.....

Furthermore, everyday new info comes out of the dense bushes. I have no idea how I have been so blnd. Have no idea how he managed to hide so many things from me. It's my biggest battle at the moment...forgiving myself for being so blind all these years. A battle I eventually will also win, as I have proved to myself I am quite resilient, strong and accepting of myself--to the contrary of the pathetic woman I used to be.

In spite of all these hurdles I still need to take, the obstacles I still need to clear, the unresolved interior issues I still have to solve, there is a certain peace deep inside of me. I am happy with who I am. I am accepting my failures ( slowly but surely). I no longer have the need to justify myself towards other people. Either they take me as I am or they leave it.

There are few certainties in life, but one of the for me is that I will NEVER again transform myself into a person I am not, just to please someone else. I will not live that lie again. For that lesson alone I am grateful.

I always thought that a gift was something you gave to someone coming directly from your heart. It does not need to be big or expensive. It does not need to impress. What counts most is the intention with which it is given.

There are so many false "gifts". Blood gifts I call them. They are there for bribery, for purposely hurting other people present who cannot affort to give an expensive gift for example, they are given with the intention of getting something in return, they are given with a special purpose that only usually reveals itself after a while.

Those gifts I a rather not get. And I am telling you all honestly..I will no longer except such gifts . That is a promise I made to myself. If I have the slightest inclination that a gift is offered with a purpose, I will politely declne to accept.

Perhaps you are thinking now why I am taking this negative posture. Well it is very simple. I recently discovered that I have received a lot of "blood gifts" throughout the years. How do you discover such a thing...well very simple. When the givers in question throw it in your face that they have given you such and such gifts or when you are even asked to give gifts back, well let me tell you, your world trembles on its foundations.

I can also tell you that I returned those gifts immediately. I don't want blood on my hands, I don't want falseness around me anymore. I have had enough falseness and lies around me for more then 20 years. And I am no longer putting up with that sort of shit. 

Slowly but surely I am finding out about a lot of lies that were being told to me , especially by my ex-husband. They are all surfacing one way or the other now. It is really weird that in a small village like Almancil, based on gossip, that those things never reached my ears before now. But now I get hit....blow after blow. And unfortunately it still hurts immensely.

I could never have imagined he was such a liar, such a player, and that I was such a stupid woman to believe all of his lies. The biggest lie of all ...???? The one where he claimed that he loved me! And that is the lie that cuts the deepest, because i lived it for 21 years.

And still he lies, connives, and plots his revenge. His revenge for my audacity to leave him. And he uses the lowest weapons he can use. He is a coward, a beast. I cannot imagine that you would go so low to hurt someone and even get a kick out of it, which he does.

One thing I know for sure...he is a very unhappy, sad, pathetic little person, who will search for happiness the rest of his life.

"The experienced fighter withstands the insults; he knows the force of his fist, the ability of his blows. Before an unprepared opponent, he just looks him deeply into the eyes and wins, without need for a physical fight.

In so much as the Warrior learns with his spiritual master, the light of faith also shines in his eyes and he doesn't need to proof anything to anybody. He does not mind the agressive arguments of his adversary, saying that God is superstition, that miracles are tricks, hat believing in angels is running away from reality.

As the fighter, the Warrior of Light also knows his immense force; he never fights with those who do not deserve the honour of combat."

Excerpt of " The Manual of The Warrior of Light" by Paulo Coelho

The intuitive mind is gift from god ; the rational mind a servant. We have created a society  that worships the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Albert Einstein

De intuïtieve geest is een godsgeschenk; het rationele verstand een dienaar. We hebben een maatschappij geschapen die de dienaar vereert en het geschenk is vergeten.
Albert Einstein

" A Warrior of Light studies with great care the position he wants to conquer.

However difficult his objective might be, there always exists a way to overcome the obstacles.

He verifies alternative ways, sharpens his sword, seeks to fill his heart with the perseverance necessary to confront the challenge.

But as he proceeds, the Warrior realises there are difficulties he did not take into account.

If you wait for the ideal moment to come, you will never leave your place; you need to be a bit crazy to take the next step.

The Warrior uses a bit of craziness.Because -- in love and war -- it is impossible to foresee everything. "

Excerpt from " The Manual of The Warrior of Light "  by Paulo Coelho

Humor carries the soul over the abyss and teaches it to play with its sorrow.
Anselm Feuerbach

Humor draagt de ziel over afgronden en
leert haar met haar leed te spelen.
Anselm Feuerbach

Liefde moet zijn als een boom, met z'n wortels diep in de aarde, maar met z'n takken uitgestrekt naar de hemel.
Bertrand Russel

Love should be like a tree, with its roots deeply into the earth, but with its branches stretchting out to the sky.
Bertrand Russel

The Warrior of Light contemplates the two pillars next to the door he is about to open.

One pillar is called Fear, the other one Desire. The Warrior looks at the pillar of Fear, where the following is written: " You will enter into an unknown and dangerous world, where everything you have learned up until now will no longer serve you."

The Warrior then looks at the pillar of Desire, where it is written: " You will enter a world that is known to you, where all things you ever wanted and for which you fought so hard are guarded."

The Warrior smiles -- because there is nothing that scares him and nothing that holds him back. With the self-assuredness of someone who knows what he wants to know, he opens the door.

Excerpt from "The Manual of the Warrior of Light" by Paulo Coelho

The Warrior of Light, without intention, makes a false move and dives into the abyss.

The ghosts scare him, the solitude torments him. As he was looking for the Good Combat, he did not think that this could happen to him. But it did happen.  Surrounded by darkness, he speaks with his Master.

" Master, I fell into he abyss", he says. " The waters are deep and dark."

"Remember one thing", the Master responds. " What drowns a person is not the diving, but he fact that he remains under water."

So the Warrior of Light uses all his strenght to get out of the situation in which he finds himself.

From " The Manual of the Warrior of Light" by Paulo Coelho

Je ergste vijand kan je niet zoveel kwaad doen als je eigen gedachten. Maar eenmaal beteugeld kan niemand je zozeer helpen.

Uit de Dhammapada

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts can. But once controlled, no one can help you as much.

Uit de Dhammapada

Het hart doet moeiteloos en in enkele tellen waar het hoofd soms jaren voor nodig heeft.
Sri Kishna Menon

The heart sometimes does without any affort and in a few seconds what the head needs years for doing.
Sri Kishna Menon

Wees onberispelijk in je woorden. Vat niets persoonlijk op. Ga niet uit van veronderstellingen. Doe altijd je best.
De 4 inzichten van de Tolteken - 900-1100 na Chr

Be impeccable in your speech. Do not take things personally. Do not make assumptions. Always do your best.
The 4 Tolteque Principles - 900-1100 AD

Note : This are the principles I was thaught in my Life Coaching sessions. They are hanging on every mirror, on my fridge, on my cupboards, in my car, so as to always have them in mind. And my God, DO THEY WORK!!!!!!

" Now if those aspirations bother you

Well you are just you,you don't have a clue

I'm sticking to the plan, I will see it through

Let there be no confusion

Cause I'm the Architect"

By dEUS - Excerpt from the song " The Architect" - Album "Vantage Point"

From all the men in my life, I can clearly state that my granddad was my favorite ( except for my sons, but that is different relationship). He was my mother’s father and had a farm. Every Sunday we ventured out to the country and freedom was at the touch of my fingertips.

Nice Sunday clothes were switched for old “play clothes”, and for that one day I was allowed to get dirty and gritty to the bone.

Afterwards Vim –they had no Cif at the time—was needed to scrub me clean.

But I always had a blast of a time. I was mostly left to my own devices in the mornings, playing with the dogs and cats, taking the Belgian shepherd for a walk, checking out he rabbits and their babies. Annoying the cows and the sheep, and spending a lot of time with the horse Oliva, my favorite.

My imagination also ran wild when at the farm. You remember the TV series Daktari? About the Safari doctor with the cross-eyed lion Clarence and the chimpanzee Judy? Well that was one of my games I played. And then there was Black Beauty, the bike that my granddad made for me from old bike parts, serving as my beautiful black horse coming to the rescue—don’t ask what I was rescuing--J

After playing these games and a good lunch ( being on a farm makes you very hungry), my granddad would clean up, and then we would both jump on our bikes and off we went into the wide world. Long bike trips we used to make, with his favorite stopovers ( read small town café’s) , me getting a coke, lemonade or an ice cream, he drinking his ice cold beers.

Sunday was the highlight of my week. Especially in summer, when days were longer and hotter, which always meant more playtime, and longer bike rides. And more dirt to get rid of J.

My granddad always had a young man’s spirit, up until the day when he fell during the night and was only found early in the morning by my uncle bringing him breakfast, completely ice cold and suffering from a stroke. He never got well again and a few months later he passed away. He simply gave up. He was not the person to be put in an old people’s home. As soon as he knew he was never going home again, it was good for him. He knew he’d had a good long life, most of in it  in good health. So he silently let go and went to his final sleep.

I wish I could go back once more to those summer days when  the two of us together were on one of our rides, enjoying the silence and the hard work when going uphill, him often pushing me along.  And then coming home and having a late night snack of home made French fries with eggs. How enjoyed that simple life, how I admired that simple man, who enjoyed being alive and surrounded by his kids and grandkids. I still miss him. It will be nine years since he passed away on father’s day. I love you Granddad!

Since I live with my youngest son Stofke, I have developed a completely different relationship with him. Whereas, when we were still a complete family, Stofke would always be on his own in his room, playing pc games or Playstation , there is now a closeness, that I only had with him when he was a baby , a toddler.

Sefke was always more a fathers’ boy, while Stofke would scream and shout if he saw me and then hang around my neck for the rest of the evening.

As he grew older that of course stopped, and due to my busy schedule I had less time for my boys and the distance between him and me grew, more so than between Sefke and me, although we used to fight a lot, especially over homework J.

Now I feel Stofke in a way is happier and more outgoing than when my ex and me were together. He has become much more sociable and we have a real good time together. We laugh like idiots with TV programs, Will and Grace being our favourite at the moment. We share jokes, only the two of us understand. There is an intimacy there that I cherish so much and hope to be able to cherish for a long time to come. And we are open and honest with each other. I tell him everything (not about his father.. I have to keep away from that, although I do admit of slipping up sometimes –I see to it that I apologize at those instances)

I feel sad that I cannot have this with Sefke, who is quite rebellious against me at times. I understand him though. I feel he is confused, hurt, and he feels obliged to “take sides”, something he shouldn’t have to do. It is out of my hands for the moment, and I cannot force him , but would like to explain to him why I couldn’t live with is father anymore, so he knows my story. He only gets fed the “other” story, which I find very frustrating, but that’s how it is, and I have to accept it in a way….for now…

My heart feels for him and wants to hug him and tell him it’s OK, but he won’t let me. I will have to bide my time. He’ll come around. Of that I’m sure. As it stands now, there is already progress, so I pray this progress will continue. Of both our sides.

On a positive note today!

I have not lost the ability to love. Please don’t be fooled by my former posts!! On the contrary, I think I now really found the ability to love. Why? Because I finally learned to love myself.  The first step to honestly loving other people.

I feel great in my “new” life. The fear of being single has completely vanished. I actually enjoy it immensely. I have good friends that know who I really am and take me as I am, with the good and the bad.

The negative voice of my ex, saying that people were only friends to take advantage of me ( he especially meant men, of course) is gone. He is SOOOO wrong. I found out that there are honest, nice, reliable people out there. People who reach out a helping hand, give a soft spoken word of encouragement, send a mail or sms just to let you know that they are there if you need them. And quite often that’s just about what I need. Enough to keep me going another day.

I know I still have a hard battle ahead. The words I heard yesterday are proof of that. I was informed that “he would not divorce me, because then he had to pay me alimony”. Well, I have to say that I wasn’t surprised to hear that. If it would be the other way round, rest assured he would do everything in his power to get all the money he could get.  It shows me yet again the low life he is and the value he treasures. But I also assure you that that remark made me laugh. Just because it did not surprise me or hurt me one bit.

Every day we are dealt cards. For a long time, I got the wrong cards in hand. But lately all the cards I am being dealt daily are so good. It’s amazing what you find out when you are NOT looking to find out.

I feel protected by my guardian angel and my guide. I know all the cards will fall into place eventually. The timing will be right when I set out to do what I have to do, what I am forced to do. And that’s why collecting my strength and tend to it as if it were a delicate plant, is now my first priority.

There are no words to describe how I feel.

I feel a complete idiot. I have actually lost 21 years of my life. I have been used by my husband and his family. And I apparently only found out now. I am angry with myself for being as blind as a bat.

I have to get rid of this anger, because it’s not healthy. Only not today.

Today I will have to blow off steam. The realization of being so STUPID is infuriating.

I still cannot believe the audacity, the disrespect, the 180º turning of the truth that some people manage to have or do. It is incomprehensible to me, as I am what you could call a “trusting soul”.

That trust, that acceptance of people, that particular trait, which so much defines my personality, I will never give that up, even though I have been backstabbed in a real big way. But I refuse to let that turn me into a bitter, resentful person, although at the moment the steam is still coming out of my ears and nostrils. Perhaps just as good. Let it out. Kick against a wall. Perhaps break a plate or two…At least the darkness gets out that way and does not pollute me.

As you probably noticed I have a new name for the house. The house, which I dreamed up and lovingly chose materials for and decorated for it to be a home for my family, I call it the Devil’s Mansion now. The bad energy that emanates from that place is horrifying. I feel nauseated whenever I enter it, to the point of vomiting. My soul, my spirit, my energy are completely gone. It is a ghost house. No soul. But it is not the house, that will always be special and have a good feel, it is the persons that are in it, that pollute this beautiful place with their hatred and negativity.

After everybody has left, I will go there and cleanse it ritually as to get rid of those bad energies. I would not want the new inhabitant to suffer from that sort of menacing feeling.

Perhaps you think I lost it now, when I’m talking about energies and cleansing rituals, but I do assure you I am not kidding. I always believed there is more between heaven and earth, than we can see. And lately I have become much more open to capturing these energies, which at times can be very scary.

Funnily enough I often dream about a certain person and that day he or she will contact me, or I will learn something about them, or I find out something I didn’t know.

Being open was a bit frightening at first,  now it comes almost naturally. I would like to go even further, become even more receptive. I would like to use this “gift” to help myself grow, and therefore help other people grow and see the light through their struggles.

If there is one thing I have learned for sure, it is that there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. As long as you remain positive and have faith. There were times during these past two years that I thought of giving up, because I was so down, so utterly exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I actually thought I would never get “there”. I have come a long way since then, and I do know now that I have so much more strength in me then I could ever have imagined. I am proud to say I am nearly there, not completely, but nearly. And even if I’m not, I will NEVER give up fighting, even if it means letting go.

But any obstacle put on my way, will now be easily overcome. Because I have faith. Because I trust. In a higher Energy, in myself, in my real friends.

After my post of yesterday, you would think I would be very upset.

Well for just about 4 minutes I was, tears at the ready. But then the realisation hit me as well as the idiocity of the whole scene that played itself out. I actually started laughing, at first I admit it was a nervous laugh, but soon I started to see the real stupidity which made me laugh harder, more sincerely and especially...it was a REAL LAUGH.

I stopped to think about it, and I came to the conclusion that once again I have made a big step forwards, making the distance between me and my disasterous marriage and its players a lot bigger.

Once again I made a growing spurt, one that really surprised me. Instead of mulling events around and around, I came home, and wrote about it. I also wrote an email to my ex, copy to ex-father-in-law, spitting out everything that I had held in for 21 years.

It was a cleansing experience. Thoughts sprouting out of my head, the mail becoming longer and longer. Today I "polished" the whole epistel, and after sleeping on it, it will be send tomorrow for sure. I had ENOUGH. And they will know it.

The positive note is that I really enjoyed their demonstration of frustration in such a way. I know they cannot fathom me anymore, and that scares them. How to handle this strange new woman? How to continue to manipulate this person of whom we do not exactly know what makes her afraid, what makes her upset, angry, tick? Indeed, how do you do that?

I feel sorry for them. For the fact that they need this power to be able to feel like a person. That they cannot see that they do not need that power to be a person. That their shotsightedness makes their life miserable and thus also other people's lives that become involved with them.

I hope that I don't have to write a lot about it anymore and I am sorry if I bore you, become repetitious or annoying. It is therapy for me, it lightens my heart by putting it down here.

I promise that the next few days I will try to post some lighter items, as I also could do with some of those!

What a day!

One more time my ex cheated on me, not with another woman, but with the tax return papers. He kept all expenses for himself, so he can have a bigger tax return then me. He even takes the anticontraceptive pill, considering all the medication expenses he has. Most of those expenses had been paid by me.

Considering, apart from that I moved out, leaving behind a very luxurious villa with all amenities and renting an apartment while still pay half of all expenses of the house, I am really sucked dry by this man, who only landed in Portugal because of my father and got work because of my fathers connections. This is man that had nothing and was given everything in his lap. He proved today once again that he will NEVER allow me to have anything if he has something to say about it.

In full Taurus mode I went for the head on confrontation. And who started screaming at me, well my venom-in-law. She went completely berserk. The things she said to me, you wouldn't believe it.

The mask came of, an ugly face replaced the mask, an old grey face, full of hatred, bitterness, frustration, a face full of "miserable" wrinkles, you know the sort you get when you cannot smile out of your heart, but just a pretend-smile. I was rooted to the ground for just a minute, regained my composure, straightened my back, threw my shoulders backwards and in stead of backing away from her , I just stepped into her, making HER back away. That made her go completely over the edge. She actually tried to throw me out of my own house.

More things were thrown in my face. Things I have known for so many years, were confirmed there and then. Poison kept on pouring out of her, an ugly green stream of nasty words, meant to hurt, to put down, to kill.

Only, these words funnily enough did not hurt me, because I knew she always thought them about me, these words just passed me by, giving me confirmation, but not stopping in my heart. Actually she was/is pathetic.

She screwed up her own two children, made such insecure adults of both of them due of her need for complete attention and her immense uncertainty that she has created this scary megalomaniac personality, just as her son has this megalomaniac treat. Narcissism all over the place. And the only thing they know what to do is thinking of how they can hurt other people so they don't have to feel that frustrated.

It's sad. The other child is a complete screw-up, who cannot even behave as an adult amongst people, a person without a backbone.

I have to stop judging, because it is not nice to judge and certainly not my job. But I have been observing this weird dysfunctional family for over 20 years, and I knew there was something very wrong with them. Close at the edge are they of becoming sociopaths that would destroy anything or anyone crossing them.

They are a scary bunch.

I pray every night that this will end. That I can disconnect from them completely. But you know, the coming days, I still have to go there to pack the rest of my stuff, and the shitty stuff they left behind. I have already decided I wll not take that. I will give it to someone who needs it. I prefer to buy new plates, glasses, cutlery. Get rid of the bad energy that is surely attached to these objects. That's also why I refuse to take any furniture with me.

And today , in all the commotion, I got a glimpse of the near future. They say "What goes around , comes around". Well, that was the glimpse I got today, and I can see the coming around is already starting to happen. Pretty soon it will be full-blown in their faces.

Tomorrow another difficult day, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.....I see it, I feel it, and this is something I have not seen or felt in a long time. The end is very near.

Today has been a weird day.

First it started with me not being able to wake up. Luckily it was a public holiday, so no gettingup early.

Then it was all the dreams I had and remembered into detail. Weird stuff as well. Don't know what is going on lately, but I have these sort of dreams that I remember clearly and I dream in "episodes". It's like having one's own TV-show. 

When I finally managed to open my eyes and keep them open, I jumped out of bed. I am a quick starter, I can get up and be active immediately. So after a shower I felt a bit less hazy in my head.

Off I went shopping with Stofke, who wanted to buy a new game with his monthly allowance. Me, I found some hot boots to expand my boots collection, still on sale ( 60% off), so I was happy.

The rest of the day was spent in a weird state of consciousness, that I wouldn't really be able to call "here" at all. I moved in between the living room, kitchen and bedroom, without a real goal to accomplish, thinking that I actually should be doing this and that, but not being able to get into any real action. I hate myself when I am in that state.

And so the day passed by again. I might stop by at the Carnaval party at Obar later on ( I hate Carnaval, but what the heck, I will not go through the trouble of getting dressed up). Perhaps it will make a good ending to this off-day that I am having.

But in any case, the weird mill in my mind doesn't seem to want to stop today as well -- it actually started yesterday night while trying to get to sleep--. I am struggling with myself, as I have been so often in the past. Sometimes we are just our own worst enemy. And today I am that exactly.

I wish that one day things will become a bit easier--just a tiny bit-- because all this stress and uncertainty is wearing me out, but it is probably my lesson in life, to learn how to live with uncertainties. Something I really don't like very much, although I have to admit that it does make life more "exciting", and this can be in a positive or negative way.

I also am cursing myself for once again being stupid and worry about a person that doesn't really deserve my worrying. But I do it anyway, it's my nature. And immediately I was punished by another one of his manipulative emails trying to frighten me. I've had enough of that as well. I feel like being kept hostage by him and there is nothing I can actually do, as long as the answer is NO to all my proposals. I have given up on those proposals hoping he will take another stand, But to no avail.... I want to leave my past behind me...start afresh completely, without the choking feeling of still being controlled in all aspects of my life. I ignore it most of the time, but sometimes it comes back to haunt me.

Enough complaining for now. Head up, shoulders straight and on we go to fight another day......

I visited my own blog today and read commentaries on one of my recent posts. One of them was from my friend.

When I was going to my “roughest” phase (that is until now, but let’s stay optimistic), she was there, literally, accompanying me day by day, witnessing very high altitudes and very low depths, witnessing the stepping forwards and backwards, the changes, the confusion, the hurt, the happiness at some moments because of a tiny word, gesture from someone who I was important to me at the time, and who I thought would forever be important in my life.

She was a pillar of support, a book of wisdom, although she is much younger, a shoulder for me to cry on.

The day she left me on my own (physically, never in her mind or heart) I cried, I was frustrated, I knew I had to face him alone from now on, day after day, without that moral support, sitting right opposite me, giving me that smile, that head shake, indicating that she knew exactly how I felt when he was at his worst once again. She actually risked everything, because she knew very well that he is a very bitter person who is unable to forgive, so she faced his wrath day after day. He used and abused her verbally at will, disrespecting her and her work, and still she hung in there, kept on rooting for me and supporting me despite the “danger”.

Therefore I would like to thank her, like this, in writing, via my blog, knowing that one day she will read it, together with other people I regard as special, to acknowledge what she did for me, and what it meant to me. Thanks Amiga …..Gosto de ti e permanecerás para sempre no fundo do meu coração!

About the “other” person I thought to be special...well he disappointed me very deeply. He was not courageous at all, on the contrary, his cowardice was so great I became to regret I ever met him. However, despite my disillusion with his attitude, I must never forget that he was in my life for a reason. Without him I certainly wouldn’t have been able to “open” my eyes from the blindness that had been there for so long. Without him I would never have been able to “jump” out of the cage that kept me. Without him I would never have become the person who I have become today, a person that has grown and is still capable of growth every single day. So actually I have to thank him as well. So to him, thanks and bye for ever, because I will not look back on you and mourn the friendship I thought we had and which you chose to abandon out of fear. I don’t condemn you any longer, I forgive you. I hope that one day you will be able to open your eyes, change and find the happiness you are seeking so desperately in the wrong places.

"For most part of January the planet Mercury has been retrograde.  A retrograde period is best seen as a cycle, beginning when the planet begins to slow to a halt before travelling backwards through the zodiac and ending when the planet returns to the point where it first paused. However, during the cycle, the planet's energy is most powerful (and more likely to generate critical events of universal importance) when the planet makes a station: appearing motionless in the sky.

In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially people who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is therefore not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed.

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation? Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate."

( Source www.astrologycom.com )

Weirdly enough this period coincides with a period of non-communication in my personal life. Now that Mercury is back to direct (as from February 1st) I hope that communication will resume, alhough I realize that it will be me to take the initiative here.

I am non-prepared for this initiative and will have to rely on my intuition as to when to initiate communication and as to what the content of this communication will be. Again, I want to rule out my ratio behaving weirdly -- read this as "behaving as a mad bull in a porcelain shop, destroying everything around him". I want this communication to come from my heart and soul, so it will be a lot harder, as the person I'm willing to communicate with is a ratio-person, mulling everything in his/her head several times over so that he/she is so confused that he/she is not able to listen to his/her heart anymore, thus prone to make the wrong, ratio-based decisions, whilst knowing deep down that the status-quo will not work out in the long term. But who am I to tell him/her that ?

So I have to be neutral, soft-spoken, kind, and sympathetic, although in reality I would really want to slap his/her face and say, "wake up and smell the good stuff, the change that is ahead of you and good for you, the real love you could feel if you let it", but then again, who am I to do that?

Who am I? A question I have been asking for some time now, and the answers are coming into view little by little on most matters. Only this matter continues to confuse me, probably because I feel the other persons' confusion, as if it were my own. I can understand his/her point of view completely. I have been there myself , so who am I to judge? If only I would be given the opportunity to spend more time with this person, I think it would make a difference. Little planted seeds and existing roots would not get the chance to die, they would be nourished by good communication, face-to-face, breath-to-breath, body-to-body.

So what I am hoping for, now that Mercury is direct once again, is that my initiative will be appreciated, accepted and thought over as a positive note, thus reconstructing and renourishing the seeds or roots that might not have been watered enough in the last month(s). And I will ask my guide for assistance to please, please not behave as the usual bull in the pottery department store.

The outcome--who knows. We'll see were it brings me. But if I don't take the risk, the chance of loosing is about 99% at the moment, I guess. So I have nothing to loose by picking up that phone, sending that email or skyping that person. The means I have not figured out yet. But I AM doing it!

T
he last 2 years have been pretty rough on me. Those who have followed my blog for a while, could read between lines that things were not looking good, as a matter of fact, they were pretty awful.

There were many times I thought I would not survive this, but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. And with my pit bull mentality I managed to survive the hard times. I tried very hard to make things work, because I was scared shitless. But in my heart I knew that it could never work anymore, even though my brain was constantly saying to work at it and give it another chance.

Since May last year I made the decision and went my own way, I cut through cords, which after 21 years was a very hard thing to do. But I chose the most difficult way. I could have stayed, because of the fact that it would be easier, financially, practically, because of all the things that linked us, out of habit, commodity, whatever. However I’m very proud to say I did NOT do that. I chose for CHANGE. Radical and complete change.

I can tell you it wasn’t easy. Living on my own for the very first time of my life. OK , my youngest son is living with me, but you know what I mean. Now, some eight months down the line, I can surely say that I have grown enormously,I have become a more complete person. Instead of staying stuck in a situation/relation I knew deep down in my heart would never work out, I choose freedom, personal growth and independence. I chose for ME.  I do not claim here that I have not gone through hard times the first months and sometimes I still have my dips—logical, I am not Super Woman.

But I have learned a big lesson: DO NOT LET YOUR RATIONAL SIDE LEAD YOUR LIFE. Different aspects of my being, my ego, my ratio, my emotional being and my spiritual being have reached some sort of balance, but my ratio does no longer rule my life, because I refuse to let it.

The only way to live life to the fullest is living through your heart, and your heart is NEVER wrong.

I no longer do what goes against my grain, what does not feel right/good. And if my ratio is sticking its ugly head up to put some sticks between my wheels , I take a step back, calm down and go inside. I distanciate myself from my head and go to my emotion, my spirituality, my HEART.

Lately I am not very happy with a certain event that is going on in my life. I have had my ratio interfere, I have had my emotions go completely berserk, I have had loads of patience –it has become my middle name-- but now I know what it is I have to do. And real soon. Why am I so sure of what to do, well easy….I just went to my “inner core” and listened to what my heart and intuition had to say.

It is an advice I can give – please do not think I do this out of arrogance—but it is important not to stay stuck in the past, into situations of which you know they really do not work, although they are the easiest road to take. I call that a sort of cowardice. (sorry) Change is the ONLY way forward if you want some sort of fulfillment in your life. So embrace that change, don’t rationalize it, feel it, and after the first hard period you will find  that doors open and so many new possibilities are there for you. It is actually beautiful. I never thought I could do it, but I did, and I have become a better person/woman because of it. No one will bring me down again, and the ones who try, I’m very sorry….but suffer the consequences, because I will NOT let you.

On my normal mornings, I wake up and take my time for breakfast, as I enjoy that. I used to read during breakfast, but that has been replaced by facebooking.

It relaxes me, I peruse through the latest posts , give a comment here and there, try to accept some requests. It actually prepares me for the day ahead.

Monday morning though I stumbled on a post by a friend. I was sitting there for a while with my mouth full of teeth -- a typical Flemish expression, translated very literally, which means "i was speechless" or more particularly in this case, how to interpret or react/not react to that post.

I find it either a very blunt and open statement of someone who is coming to his/her senses, after inner fighting, or else it is just extremely hypocritical. Which way to go in my interpretation...I really do NOT know. I will need more info. Which, btw, I am still waiting for. Just that U know it.

PS: I decided after serious ponderation to leave a comment. I wonder , are doors opening or closing....my intuition tells me which option it is. I will wait and see....as always. 

As I have made my account on facebook, and as the general language of communication is English, I decided to start writing on my blog again, but in English. If I had more time I would use two languages, but don't think it would work for me. Not enough patience

As I said in one of my earlier posts, facebook has opened up a whole new way for me. Meeting old friends again, meeting new friends, getting support from people you do not even know personally but who in one way or another have followed your way through personal difficult times, and are contacting me personally to have a talk and give me hope and courage to go on. It is truly amazing. At times I still cannot believe it myself.

The road in the mean time hasn't become any easier. At the moment I am going through a strange phase in my life. Good things together with bad things mixed up to a strange composition of  confusing  ( to my mind anyway) happenings, that I have to give a place in my life now. I am learning every day, but the best thing I have learned is PATIENCE. An enormous amount of it. I hope I will get rewarded for all this patience I have with  certain people.

Sometimes I think by myself, "are they actually worth it", and then I want to do, say or write something very impulsively ( I'm Taurus..so provocation or things not going the way I want them to go, does not work too well with me). Then I put a hold on that impulsiveness, take a few steps back and think to myself..." yes, they are actually worth it". Let me say by the way that I have this with very few people. Only special people in my life can get away with almost anything. Others, which I don't have a real connection with , but to whom I still would have been "polite", as good manners go, are now OUT of my books. I refuse to put my energy there, and will not play the "hypocritical, but socially correct, person anymore. NO WAY!

So that's where I am at the moment. Confused, tired of all the "divorce-mess" that still hasn't got one step further, a bit hurt as well, but all in all , I now I'll get there someday....perhaps not soon, but someday... And hat knowledge is enough for now. ( Actually, it has to be, there's not much I can do about it anyway, so...)

Gelukkig zijn we nooit te oud om te leren.

En soms leren we dat mensen met wie we niet altijd "eye to eye" zagen, WEL aan onze kant stonden, maar zelf ook niet goed wisten hoe dat te uiten en zich door ons buitengesloten voelden.

Zelf heb ik dit nu weer aan den lijven ondervonden met mijn stiefmoeder S.. Ik dach altijd van haar dat zij niks van mij moest hebben en vice versa. De grote reden daarvoor was eigenlijk mijn vader die ons een beetje tegen elkaar uitspeelde, omdat hem dat beter uitkwam. Tja , hij is ook geen heilige. En dan krijg je van die stomme, situaties, vol communicatiestoornissen, die tot een slechte verstandhouding leiden. Wat ook gebeurde.

Nu ben ik er tevens achter gekomen dat ook E. zijn best deed om roet in het eten te gooien, met haar altijd te provoceren. En ik geloofde natuurlijk eerder zijn verhaal. Logisch.

Nu dat alles in openbaarheid komt, zie ik inderdaad dat al dat gedoe, dat oordelen en veroordelen, dat dat allemaal verloren tijd is geweest. Ik kan  altijd bij S. thuis terecht. Ook de band met mijn zus K. is aangehaald, wat voor mij een verademing is. Ik hou namelijk niet van oorlogje spelen, en ben blij dat ik , met mijn moeder toch ver weg.... (en geloof me , ook al kunnen ze soms zagen, moeders,  toch heb je ze nodig..., ) toch familie dichtbij heb, waar ik af en toe eens binnenwip en altijd welkom ben.

Ook Blondie heeft het maar getroffen, want als ik een paar daagjes wegga, gaat zij naar de "Bomma" , waar ze naar hartelust kan spelen met zo'n 10 andere honden ( ik ben de tel kwijt, ik weet het echt niet hoeveel het er zijn, maar wel veel!).  

Dus bij deze ...sorry S. dat we ooit zo stom met elkaar zijn omgesprongen en niet meer gepraat hebben. En bedankt voor je steun en hulp in deze moeilijke tijd. Ik wou dat ik wat meer begrip en consideratie gehad had in jouw moeiljke tijd.

(En hopelijk lees je dit...)